17th June 2022

Ask CALM:
I’m worried about my mate

Name: Campaign Against Living Miserably
Price range: $

Ask CALM I'm Struggling Supporting Mates

I'm Struggling Supporting Mates Advice

Hey CALM

I don’t know what to do. My mate seems really different at the moment. It’s hard to describe why, because they’re not doing anything differently. They just don’t seem them if that makes sense? I’ve tried asking if they’re ok, but they just say yeah and move on. There’s only so many times I can ask.

I know they’re having a bit of a tough one at work. They’ve been working long hours, so maybe they’re just tired, but I can’t shake the feeling that they’re going through it.

I don’t want to make him angry, and I also don’t want to bring him down when we’re at the gym, I just don’t know how to get through and let him know that I’m here.

Jack

Hi Jack,

That sounds really tough. Knowing someone you care about is going through it, even in a small way, is stressful. Sometimes going with your gut is all you can do when you’re worried about someone - even if that means having a bit of an awkward conversation.

Being upfront about what you’re noticing is usually a great policy. Here’s some things you might start a conversation with:

Be direct. Hey mate, I noticed you’re being a bit quiet at the gym at the moment. Is everything ok?
Be specific. Work must be A LOT right now, you’ve been working intense hours right? How are you coping with that?
Ask twice. I know you said you were ok, but you cancelled our plans the other day, and that’s not like you. What’s going on? I’m worried.

Sometimes it can feel like you’re being too pushy when it comes to checking in. But as you’ll probably know yourself, when you’re having a tough time it’s easy to feel like a burden or a downer. And that can be really isolating.

Handwritten text which reads: Be direct. Be specific. Ask twice.

So keep going to the gym, just doing exercise can help when someone’s struggling, and maybe even get a drink or something to eat after. The more relaxed or comfortable your friend feels, the more likely they will be to share what he might be going through. If your social interactions start to feel like interrogations, they probably won’t be that comfortable, so choosing something fun and casual is usually a good shout. Getting a takeaway, playing a game of FIFA, going to the cinema, they’re all good options when you want to have a conversation about mental health.

When you’re struggling to get a friend to share how they’re doing, it can help to talk about yourself. Here at CALM, we know that hearing other people’s stories can help you feel less alone, so maybe share something that’s been getting you down recently. Even if it doesn’t lead to a breakthrough moment worthy of a movie, your mate’ll know that it’s ok to talk about the lows and the highs when they’re around you.

Another thing to remember, and this can be really tough to come to terms with, is that you can’t make someone open up to you. If you’re coming to a dead end, speaking to mutual friends, family or colleagues is a great shout. You don’t have to make it obvious if you don’t want to - but if someone else is feeling similar things, you might be able to tag team. It might be that your friend feels more comfortable sharing with someone else, so letting someone know what you're thinking can only be a good thing.

Finally, you have to remember that it’s not all down to you to fix your friend’s problems, whatever they are. Reading into someone’s every word and action is exhausting and can stop us being present in the moment. All you can do is make yourself as available and approachable as possible.

We hope that helps, and remember that if you need to chat the CALM helpline is open from 5pm to midnight every day.

CALM