The Words:
How to start a conversation

Name: Campaign Against Living Miserably
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51% of people wouldn’t feel confident in knowing how to help someone who felt suicidal.

We get that. It can feel overwhelming and scary and difficult and awkward. But only through having more conversations about suicide will we get more comfortable with having them.

That’s why we’re here to help start what we know can be really daunting conversations, to help you know what to say when it can be difficult to find the words.

First of all, if you think someone could be struggling, let them know you’re there. Yeah, it might be awkward at first. But it could also be the most important conversation you ever have. Don’t worry about finding the perfect words to say – there is no right or wrong, just be there and let them know they have your support.

STARTING A CONVERSATION

It can be a big conversation - but that doesn’t mean you need to dive straight in or make it an intense heart to heart. Maybe keep it light to start - you are just mates having a chat after all. You might just want to meet them where they are or invite them to hang out somewhere you know they’ll feel comfortable. A cafe. A pub. In the park. There are loads of options. If it’s over the phone send them a DM or message to ask them. It doesn’t matter how you get the ball rolling, just don’t let it go unsaid.

Whatsapp them
Ping them that Gif
While playing online together
Put that drink in the diary.
Go old school and give them a call

SOME USEFUL CONVERSATION STARTERS

Hey, it seems like something’s up. If there’s anything you want to talk about I’m always here
You OK? I feel like something’s up so just wanted to check in with you.
I know you’re going through a lot at the moment. If you wanna chat I’m here

But you know your mate or loved one better than anyone - so keep it natural and be compassionate and non-judgemental. That’s the best way to show you care about them and have their back. And if you’re unsure, ask twice - don’t accept “I’m fine” if you sense something’s not right.

DURING THE CHAT

As the conversation gets going ask them how they are and say you notice they haven’t been themselves. Give them the space and opportunity to tell you what’s going on. You can even talk about stuff you’re going through to give your mate an avenue to open up.

Remember, even though it might feel uncomfortable at first, you actually want them to tell you the difficult stuff. It's tempting to ask in a way ('You're fine, aren't you?') that gives an easy 'I'm fine' answer, but that's not what you're looking for here.

Don’t try and fix things, pretend to know how they feel, or convince them how lucky they are.

Do allow them time to talk, ask questions like “how does that make you feel?” or "What did you mean when you said..." and reassure them that these feelings aren’t permanent and support is available.

Be patient - let them take the lead and allow them to open up at their own speed. Don't be afraid of a bit of silence, it can help them to open up more and give you a full answer.
Be there for them. It sounds simple but listen to them. Then at the right time ask questions and be responsive.
Ask open ended questions and don’t pretend you have all the answers but reassure them that, in time, things can change, no matter how you feel right now. That there’s always a way forward.
Offer to help them with everyday tasks to take some of the burden away.
Be patient. Don’t try to second guess their feelings. Try not to make assumptions about what is wrong or jump in too quickly with your own solutions. You won’t always know the full story, and there may be reasons why they are finding it difficult to ask for help.

Ask them directly

Too often, we shy away from digging a little deeper because we don’t like to think that our friend is sad. But avoiding the subject all together, can make someone feel even more isolated or silly for feeling the way they do.

If you’re worried someone you knowfeels suicidal, ask them the question directly. That’s really important. We know it can be daunting but asking someone if they’re suicidal - asking that question directly - can be the start of a life-saving conversation.Experience tells us that that asking about suicide won’t make things worse - won’t be putting thoughts in their head if it’s not there already or prompt them into acting on their thoughts - but it might save their life. It can help give them a sense of relief that someone has actually asked this question - maybe for the first time - and make them feel heard for the first time.

What if my friend gets angry with me or stops talking to me?

Our research shows that a third (33%) of people said that they would feel too awkward to ask if someone was feeling suicidal in case they misread the situation - however, this is very rare.

Most people understand why you're asking and your concern will be a starting point for them to reflect or open up. By being compassionate and showing you care, your mate will understand you’re coming from a place of support and will appreciate that you cared enough to get them the help they needed.

After

Follow-up with them. Check-in regularly. Make yourself available. Let them know that you care about them. Reassure them and make sure they don’t feel like they’re a burden in any way - words like 'It's no bother, I'll stop round on my way home' or 'I want to see/chat to you' can help with that.
And if they don’t want to talk about everything now, then let them know you’ll be there when they’re ready to. This won’t often just be a one off chat - your support will happen over weeks and months, in moments over time.
People who are suicidal can also often develop a ‘Me vs them’ perspective and start to feel isolated - that’s why it’s important to try and emphasise that you’re on their side and you’re there when they need you.
And, remember, if you’re worried about someone you can always call our helpline and we’ll help you work out a plan.

Talking to children and young people about suicide

If you’re a parent it can be even more daunting to talk to your children about suicide. But if we don’t talk to children about it, chances are they’ll hear about it elsewhere and may get inaccurate information that is confusing or upsetting. So we’ve put together a guide to make it a little easier, with tips and advice on how to help your children understand what it is and why it happens, without scaring or worrying them.

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The Words: How to start a conversation